How is self-esteem formed?

It is logical that none of us is born confident or insecure. Our self-esteem, as well as our self-image in general, is formed throughout our lives. Otherwise, psychotherapy would not work as a method.

While I was reading about the stages of self-formation, I came across an interesting point: the same principle applies to self-esteem as to the stages of mental development in general: development can freeze at some stage. For example, you’ve probably met people who tend to see the world (including themselves) as an exclusively black and white picture, where everything is divided into good and evil in a fairy-tale way. Or people who are constantly looking for authorities who will tell them how to live right and carefree. Or those who are always saving their ego, devaluing their parental figures, so that “anything but like them!” Or maybe some of these strategies will be similar to your own. From my experience, I can say that I personally returned to some of these stages as an adult, when I was experiencing stress, for example.

1. About a year.

Until this age, a child perceives himself and his mother as one. The older he gets, the more he learns to distinguish his own bodily sensations and then to control them. In this context, the most common question of Gestalt therapists, “What are you feeling now?” no longer seems so strange and hackneyed. Our ideas about ourselves are literally and inextricably linked to bodily sensations. It is also at this age that basic ideas about the safety or hostility of the world around us are formed. And the future ability of the child to build relationships and form intimacy depends on how attentive the mother was to the child’s needs, how consistently present she was.

2. 3-4 years.

The child learns to recognize himself in the mirror. From this time on, he knows that “I am me and I do not cease to be me even after some time.” At this age, the child actively plays and begins to understand what he can and cannot do. What works and what doesn’t. Attitudes towards others are formed on the principle of “good or bad”. For example, when mom is somewhere nearby and pays attention, she is definitely good. But if she goes to the supermarket for a couple of hours, she is already bad. In the world of a three-year-old, a significant other cannot be both good and bad at the same time. Their attitude towards others is formed emotionally and situationally. Just like in the world of adults who are “stuck” at this stage, their perception of themselves also ranges from their own insignificance to greatness and perfection. That is why it is often so difficult to be in close relationships with them.

3. 6-11 years old.

The self-esteem of a younger student is based on the assessment of authoritative adults. And at school, there are many more of them – teachers and educators are added to the great and important parental figures. And the worst thing is that there are assessments that psychologists have a very ambiguous view of. Moreover, there is a phenomenon called “the child as a narcissistic extension of the personality” when parents, who have not become prima ballerinas by their 30s or 40s, make ballerinas out of their children. Or they raise an IT engineer from the cradle. Or just an excellent student. But no, it’s not just that. But the best in the class! As a result, a child’s self-esteem fluctuates depending on the opinions of important people. And then you always want to win medals.

4. 12-18 years old.

A teenager begins to actively develop reflection, and the world finally ceases to be black and white. In general, this is a key period in the formation of self-esteem and self-image in general. It is here that a child turns into an adult. And, of course, it deserves a separate article. At this time, a person is clearly aware of his or her own characteristics and differences. And the society of peers becomes especially important for him or her. It is during this period that it is so easy to get hurt because of the rejection of others. School bullying, harassment, ridicule, rejection – all of this can leave a deep imprint on our social self and self-esteem. Many adults, 10/20/30 years later, come to therapy with self-esteem problems that have their roots in such experiences. Also, at this age, the child is transitioning to “self-government” – that is why it is so important to form their own opinion and vision, different from their parents. The child begins to separate from their parents and form an independent self-image. Not everyone goes through this stage at the age of 15-sometimes a person returns to it in their 20s, 30s, or even 40s. And sometimes they never return and remain psychologically dependent on their parents for the rest of their lives.