“No one will ever love me!”: the poisonous drama of hyperbolization

Continuing with the topic of self-esteem, I would like to talk about how we support self-dislike within ourselves with our own hands. Because our self-esteem is based, among other things, on our habits of behavior. Usually, these patterns of behavior are many years old, some of them even originated somewhere in childhood. At the time, they seemed like a good strategy because they worked, protecting our fragile psyche from danger. Or they helped us get something very necessary and useful. In any case, before you start changing them, I suggest that you treat your habits with respect.

So, the first mechanism I would like to highlight is hyperbolization. I think it is familiar to many of us. When we deal with hyperbolization, we attribute a single experience to our entire life or to our personality. We see only this experience and only events that confirm our idea of ourselves or the world.

We think that NO ONE loves us, that EVERYONE is laughing at us, that we have achieved NOTHING. Usually, when we think and say these words that absolutize everything and everyone, a wave of unpleasant emotions rolls over us. And it’s not surprising – the thought that NO ONE needs us is really scary, and it’s very difficult to face such global loneliness. And the situation where ALL of you are laughing looks like an episode of some horrible nightmare, I wish I could wake up sooner. As a result, such thoughts drive us to despair, and sometimes even to the idea of the meaninglessness of ourselves and our lives.

So what is the danger of the habit of hyperbolization if unpleasant feelings are so natural here?

The danger is that such hyperbolization often does not correspond to reality. So at the first sign of hyperbolic words, I suggest you slow down. And try to reformulate the abstract ALL into specific people. If it seems to you that now, after breaking up with your boyfriend, NO ONE loves you, does EVERYONE really care about you? Perhaps there are not so many people who care about you, but there is, for example, that childhood friend with whom you see for coffee every week? Or is there your mom who calls you every day? Or is it that colleague with whom you regularly have lunch and interesting conversations? Try to answer the question: Who are these ALL exactly? Perhaps you have made this conclusion only on the basis of your ex, who decided to break up with you. But the whole world is not your ex.

Refer to specific facts and different experiences, paying attention to your feelings: usually the bitterness of your ex’s dislike is much less than the dislike of the whole world. And at the moment of meeting reality, it usually becomes at least a little easier.

Let me give you an example: Kate was firmly convinced that no one could like her. Because she can’t build relationships with ANYONE. Therefore, NO ONE is able to love her. NO ONE. NEVER. FOR ANYTHING. It was so bitter and painful to say that Kate seemed to be drowning in her tears, despair and self-humiliation. When we tried to get to the bottom of the facts, it turned out that she had only tried to build a long-term relationship twice in her life. When we rephrased the idea that “I can’t build a relationship with ANYONE” to “I’ve tried to build a relationship TWICE,” Kate sounded calmer and more confident. This gave her the strength and support to move on.