How is self-esteem formed?
Meeting with an inner critic
I think absolutely every one of us has thought about our appearance at least once. At least in adolescence, when it is so important to be liked by others, especially social groups of peers. Because this is the key need of adolescence – to be accepted, to be one of the same. Therefore, any differences turn into a personal hell – acne on the face, braces, and even too much height. And the teenager’s thoughts begin to constantly revolve around their own flaws, affecting behavior and even bodily manifestations. A person may become more constrained in movement and communication. And this makes them feel even more anxious, because they are not only ugly, but also clumsy.
Moreover, the experience of one’s own ugliness and second-rate status does not go unnoticed by others. And then peers get involved, who read this message very subtly. And they begin to add fuel to the fire.
It’s sad that most clients remember episodes of school bullying many years later – in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. That’s how much peer pressure can hurt. If you swallowed bullying at 13, you may continue to see yourself as a freak at 30. Even if your weight is now 45 kilograms, not 90.
What to do about it?
1. Try to accept the fact that you have recognized your own ugliness only on the basis of the opinion of one or more people. And beauty, like attractiveness, is a very subjective concept. Once, when I was 15, I was terribly surprised to find out that someone liked me. I wanted to devalue it and say, “Oh, it’s just one person, everyone else thinks I’m ugly!” But it’s important not to do that and to appropriate it as an experience-the experience of being attractive to someone.
2. Experiment. We are comfortable with some people and uncomfortable with others. Some activities are easy for us, others are difficult. It’s the same with our appearance. At the age of 16, for example, I started taking risks and trying things on: I was friends with guys who rapped, put on wide jeans and tried to look like them. But it didn’t work. I went out with the Goths, and of course I wore everything as black as possible. Hmm, too gloomy. I went looking for something else. I decided that I wanted to be feminine and wore heels, crazy minis, pink and burned my hair with a corrugation 24/7. As a result, through a series of experiments, I came to what I really like myself in.
3. Study. I usually save this argument for last. When I hear the cherished “well, there are canons of beauty!” I learned from beauty bloggers who play in the background while breakfast is being prepared that there are also certain laws in the combination of colors and textures. Moreover, there are types of appearance that suit this or that style. All this can be studied if you wish. You can turn to specialists. Just like you learn English, for example. Or the basics of programming.
4. Make an appointment with a psychotherapist. When we are accustomed to focusing on established ideas about ourselves, it can be very difficult to expand them on our own. This is where you need this experienced Other, who can help you appropriate your individuality. And even love it.
