Meeting with an inner critic

The inner critic is our annoying internal radio, the voice of self-doubt and self-depreciation. It can turn on when we make a mistake. Or when we have a difficult task to complete. Or when we’re stressed and don’t have enough resources. And the effect of its appearance can be completely different. For example, you may give up because the task is so difficult that it’s unbearable. Or vice versa, in the style of “pull yourself together, rag!” – and then you continue to work at your best, even when you are completely exhausted. Under the influence of the Critic, we can work for a long time for little money or never risk approaching the pretty girl at the next table. However, the Inner Critic is not as clear-cut as it seems at first glance.

So, how do you get along with a harsh Inner Critic?

1. Identify whose voice it is speaking in. Our stable patterns of behavior exist for a reason. The human psyche is largely formed by the principle of internalization. That is, if a little boy is told many times since childhood that he is “as worthless as his father,” then at some point the boy will believe it. And he will experience himself as a nobody. Moreover, his mother’s voice can be firmly imprinted in his mind. And even take the form of the very Inner Critic. And by the way, the voice of the Inner Critic does not have to be the merit of parents. Brothers/sisters, grandparents, peers, teachers – each of them could make a contribution. So listen: whose words do you use to criticize yourself so often? Who told you this? In what situations? How do you feel when you think about them?

2. Learn its functions – what does it want? As much as we would like to label the Inner Critic as absolute evil, most often its task is to fulfill some of our most basic needs. For example, the need for security and stability (“If you quit, you’ll end up on the street!”). Or the need for development (“Lazy girl! You’re lazy on the couch! In modern society, you need to constantly develop!”). Or the need for acceptance (“Your text is terrible, you’ll be bullied!”). The way to do this is quite simple: watch your Critic closely for a few days. And record his or her requirements for you. You can even write them down. As a result, you will see what needs your critic is so carefully protecting. And then you can move on to point #3.

3. Try to negotiate. Compare your Critic’s terrible expectations with real experience. For example: will another 10 minutes on the couch really lead to job loss? What facts point to this? How many people do you know who have lost their jobs as a result of such actions? In certain situations, the Inner Critic may be right – for example, when a deadline is coming up in 10 minutes and it’s incredibly critical. In most situations, however, they are unlikely to be right.

As you can see, our Inner Critic is neither evil nor good. It is, like any part of our personality, designed to meet our needs. Like a caring parent. And just like a parent, it is capable of being overly intrusive and inappropriate in this matter.

And yes, if these tips still haven’t helped you mitigate the attacks of your inner critic, then try working with a psychotherapist. It is often much easier and faster to work with a therapist than on your own.